So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?