[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.