Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Barbie gone wild
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister