A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Happy Thanksgiving
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking