When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”