Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Noah was an idiot.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.