*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
getting groceries
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.