Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me