I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Girl, same.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
What
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.