just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
fixed it
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.