Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
😜
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.