Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.