[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
You Might Also Like
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Confused owl: What?!
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.