Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
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“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
what it’s like dating me:
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.