My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs