Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
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Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
i will not be silenced
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN