Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
2 years later
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
this FaceApp is creepy af
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted