Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok