abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
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When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
i did the math
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“you changed” bro i was 15
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*