GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.