Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Practicing safe sax
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.