CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
You Might Also Like
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.