My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”