Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I falcon love using swear birds
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
every. time.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*