As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.