Wednesday
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never compromise your values
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.