Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK