Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this