If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?