[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I’m about to risk it all
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.