Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes