A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
omg leave her alone
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.