Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Why is everyone getting married at me
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*