Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”