[eats all your cotton candy]
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.