Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
There’s always that one guy
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying