*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”