The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker