First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Erm…
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat