People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
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Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.