{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
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I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”