DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Weirdly Wednesday.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.