*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
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Every. Damn. Time.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.