someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Tell me you get it…🤣
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
why am I working on Labor Day
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
They grow up so quick
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.