every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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Whoa 😂
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me if I was a dog
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day