I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
whatcha thinkin bout
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut