calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Good morning.
Holy moly
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.