date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd