I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.