I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.